Oxford University Association Football Club

Biography

Benjamin "Silent Assassin" Franz has adapted well to the furious pace of Oxford football, dominating the midfield in training and his first game as a Merton-Mansfield player. Franz combines more silky touches than a Chinese textile worker with a powerful German engine and his distribution can only be described as Beckenbauer-esque.

One thing still troubles him though: the racket which some of his teammates from less civilised parts of the world make during games. Franz has taken to exorcising his aggression by halfing opposition players.

Franz on being pennied by Camp: "What is this?"

Laz on Franz being pennied: "Now you have to down it [looks at Franz] ... or you could just not."

When Herr and Herretta Franz turned up to spectate at a recent M&Ms Cuppers match they were given a standing ovation. For bringing Ben into the world.

Being the true class act he is, Ben shakes the hand of each of his team-mates after every game. After he leaves, the groundsman is always confused by frankly disturbing gurgles of excitement coming from the changing rooms. In news that may or may not be related, Mansfield's bursar is pleasantly surprised by how long the handwash in the loos is lasting.